minimal criminal

winter is here

2011-11-18T07:37:00.001-08:00

i'd rather be pissed off than pissed on

paris: things i have been meaning to say

2011-07-20T03:25:00.000-07:00

january 6 2011

victor and i moved to paris together for three months or so. we got there and stayed in my friend cindy's flat while we looked for an apartment for ourselves. my first day i left at 10 am to meet my new agency in paris, walking through the grey neighborhood of the 17th, the streets glistening from the rain, I arrived at Metropolitan Models on avenue de Iena. They took my portfolio, spread it out across a long glossy black table and began rearranging it to their liking, while an intern took my measurements, minutes later i went upstairs to their photo studio and shot some new polaroids. Each day I left the house, the same routine, discovering each beautiful haussman building as i hurried from casting to casting, unprepared for the misty rain sans umbrella.

I had never experienced this side of Paris, my head buried inside the detailed map of the tiny parisian streets, mapping out my day as I speed undearneath the city in the metro. Ten castings a day, each lasting no more than five minutes before rushing off to find the next one or endlessly waiting in a line of twenty or more skinny girls dressed in black, portfolios in hand. Most of the girls stuck together with the other models from their countries, more often I would hear russian and polish being spoken than french or english. Sometimes when I would enter the room with the casting directors, I would pretend I didnt speak or understand French, so I could secretly listen into their conversations and criticisms, othertimes they would be so impressed that an american girl of 20 years of age (i was told to say i was 20 years old) spoke french that i tried to use it to my advantage.

I had never really been into hanging out with models, living in a model flat, and going to all the free dinners and parties that are offered, and i felt so nice that after such a long day, spent mostly in the metro going back and forth through paris, i would come home to my wonderful boyfriend and a glass of french red wine. victor and i found an apartment in place de clichy. we were living with another american girl, but rarely saw her, as we camped out in our beautiful room, with wall to wall windows over looking the place de clichy. every day the sunsets and sunrises would shine through our window covering us in the most beautiful golden sun. we cooked dinner practically every night, since dining out in paris was too expensive for us at that time... sitting on the wooden floor with our plates on our knees, smiling.

i went on castings for brands that i had only heard of in magazines, it excited me to know that i was even being considered for jobs like these, even though the hundreds of other models probably all thought the same thing. i would go on a casting and think it went great and that i had a chance to actually book the job, but then as you can imagine, in paris with so many models to chose from, even if i had a 'good feeling', i probably wouldn't book the job. but also because it is paris there is so much work, I started working a little bit, and I was just so happy just to be working instead of out on the streets doing castings.

I started working a lot for the big catalog companies of France, La Redoute, Trois Swisse, Phildar, etc. This is great work, and although not the most glamorous, the catalogs paid great and thats where i wanted to be. i also did a funny job for a french cookie company, Lu Biscuits. all day i had to do the same act of pretending to eat this cookie, over and over, through about 20 packages of the cookie, each photo so slightly varied I couldn't tell the difference in the end. i then started to realize how much work and effort goes into just one silly photo for a damn cookie, i couldnt even imagine the time involved in shooting just the one photo for a perfume or makeup campaign.

after a month in the apartment in place de clichy we had to move. we found a great apartment in belleville, on rue rampal. it was a loft apartment, nice and renovated, and by far the nicest place I had ever lived in Paris. it was so cold in the winter, victor and i would leave our apartment in the morning and nearly freeze to death as the icy wind attacked our exposed skin. we really didn't have much money and spent most of the time at home when we were both not working. we didnt see each other very much, i worked always in the daytime, from 7am to 7pm.... victor worked at a bar in le marais, he would leave for work at 7pm and come home anytime between 3am and 8am. it was pretty frustrating as i would come home from work, just in time to wake him up and have a quick bite to eat before he hurried off to his job, and likewise as he would come home just in time to wake me up to start my day. our three and a half months in paris continued like this... we were cold from the winter wind, working completely opposite hours, and when we luckily both had a day off together, we spent them together staying warm in bed, hugging tight making up for the lost time of sleeping alone each night even though we lived together.

14.02.11

2011-02-14T13:14:00.000-08:00

this happiness

2011-02-13T03:58:00.000-08:00

this is how i feel now for my love
and i cant let go what im thinking of
so i wont

xavier dolan

2011-02-03T16:57:00.000-08:00

j'ai tue ma mere was such a beautiful film and ive been waiting ages to see it again,

specifically this time with english subtitles so i would fully grip its splendor...

and now something new from xavier dolan

one of my favorite places

2010-11-30T07:51:00.000-08:00

conversation by ai

2010-11-02T16:39:00.000-07:00

this is one of my favorite poems ever and ill just keep on reposting it forever. written by ai (1947-2010).

Conversation

We smile at each other
and I lean back against the wicker couch.
How does it feel to be dead? I say.
You touch my knees with your blue fingers.
And when you open your mouth,
a ball of yellow light falls to the floor
and burns a hole through it.
Don't tell me, I say. I don't want to hear.
Did you ever, you start,
wear a certain kind of dress
and just by accident,
so inconsequential you barely notice it,
your fingers graze that dress
and you hear the sound of a knife cutting paper,
you see it too
and you realize how that image
is simply the extension of another image,
that your own life
is a chain of words
that one day will snap.
Words, you say, young girls in a circle, holding hands,
and beginning to rise heavenward
in their confirmation dresses,
like white helium balloons,
the wreathes of flowers on their heads spinning,
and above all that,
that's where I'm floating,
and that's what it's like
only ten times clearer,
ten times more horrible.
Could anyone alive survive it?

count down

2010-09-12T15:41:00.001-07:00

stairway

2010-09-08T20:56:00.001-07:00

Rodrigo y Gabriela - Stairway to heaven
Uploaded by yroshimasystem. - Discover more animation and arts videos.

thought process

2010-09-08T19:31:00.000-07:00

thinking about:

work. cheap vegetables. cheap wine. bright lights. bridges. big waves. big trees. roadtrips. childhood. birthmarks. cigarettes. sex. backyards. rooftops. beaches. paris. barcelona. amsterdam. venice. morocco. rome. valencia. alicante. bilbao. berlin. ibiza. tucson. brazil. birthdays. business plans. parents. brothers. camping. fresh coffee grinds. fresh flowers. electricity. mold. stars. dust. skin. curly hair. love. intelligence. profanity. addiction. forgiveness. education. tattoos. taboos. bug bites. compassion. english. french. spanish. weed. alcohol. dancing. standing still. standing up. falling down. laying around. walking in. running out. trains. wednesdays. june. july. august. peace and chaos.

back to brooklyn

2010-09-07T18:08:00.000-07:00

this place feels far away. i spent my first five days here basking in the brooklyn sunlight, walking next to the bridge and under the trees and its been pretty god damn beautiful. i feel quite lost in a literal sense, these streets seem unrecognizable and i've only been gone two years. last night i was walking in what i believed to be a general direction towards home and i felt so tired and confused and misplaced (even though, mind you, i was two blocks from an apartment i lived in for two fast years) that i hopped in a cab and spent half the money that i was eagerly saving to buy myself a pack of cigarettes on a ride home. i miss the perfect cafe con leches of barcelona from the bartender at cafe ke with victor but they have been replaced by a mini-everything bagel toasted with jalapeno cream cheese (sounds gross, but a habit is a habit) and an iced coffee with milk and one sugar.

my brother drives me across the williamsburg bridge on his 1967 honda motorcycle and although we are wearing speed racer helmets i feel like i could be an actress in an old french film with the cigarette dangling from my lips and my hair blowing in the wind as the city skyline whirls past us.

i passed an small old lady in the street today on 7th avenue in manhattan and i asked if i could take a picture of her in her dark grey bowler hat and thick tortoise glasses and as she kindly declined she explained to me the only reason she was wearing the hat is that she has such a small head and has been looked for years for a new hat but never found one that fit. ah, isn't life just like that. i still took a picture of her but from behind as she slowly walked ahead from where i stood.

when we were walking to get lunch today we witnessed a dog who had gotten hit by a taxi. there were three people huddled over the dog on the sidewalk and there was blood and panic and we crossed the street without even looking up to not have to bear witness to the tragedy.

showers never feel as good as they do here as they wash all of the dirt and grime of new york city off your body swirling peacefully down the drain to the sewers beneath.

i think everyday about the fact that new york, or more specifically, brooklyn, is like no other place in the world and nor will it ever be. more on that later.

ibiza love

2010-08-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

ten perfect days camping in the north of ibiza............

tent love

2010-08-21T13:37:00.001-07:00

tumblr

2010-07-15T04:35:00.000-07:00

just for photo fun:

laurenauerbach.tumblr.com

brasil 2010

2010-07-14T06:17:00.001-07:00

last night victor told me he would make part of the jungle.

and i pretty much imagined it like the part in avatar when she paints the guy with mud from the magic forest and then everything starts to glow neon colors around them.

it better happen exactly like it.

oh brasil! plans are in the works!

hay amor aqui

2010-07-13T07:43:00.000-07:00

its summer again and there are so many things i need to do.

last summer it was different, there was no time. no clocks no watches, just the sun spinning around us in circles making us dizzy from each other's company day after day. the nights are the same, long, hot and full of love mixed with wine, beer and thick foggy smoke from cigarettes and joints. less bars and more barbecues on our bright blue terrace. victor and i spent two weeks sleeping in a tent on the terrace. the crying seagulls would keep us up until the early morning when the sun would start to rise and remind us that we must sleep. ahh must we sleep? then we would wake up in a hot sweat from the sun pouring into our tent and remove whatever clothes we still had on in order to feel a fresh breeze on our sticky bodies. at the beach, the salt water stings my freshly shaved legs as i float in the ocean. the sky is such a pure blue. the water at barceloneta is cleaner today than it was yesterday but the sun is so hot it burns our backs. i want to go back to Cadaqués.

we are camping in ibiza and formentera for a week in august. it will be my first time to an island besides manhattan. and my first time camping. i just want to play like a hippie and swim naked and run around barefoot. maybe just one night dancing ourselves crazy to some techno-house music at some overpriced and overrated (or maybe not?) ibiza nightclub. i need to get an underwater disposable camera for those clearer and bluer than i've ever seen mediterranean waters! can't wait!

work II

2010-07-03T11:04:00.000-07:00

one year

2010-06-26T07:22:00.000-07:00

its officially been one year since i met you, barcelona

thank you for helping find the way

you are the city for me!

what if your world should fall apart

2010-06-23T05:12:00.000-07:00

Modafad SUB metro runway

2010-06-21T09:04:00.001-07:00

the latest work from barcelona

2010-06-02T15:35:00.000-07:00

most listened to this month

2010-05-28T15:48:00.000-07:00

seabear - cold summer

the national - terrible love

groove armada - look me in the eye sister

viva voce - octavio

the very best - yalira

dag for dag - pirate sea

sunset rubdown - idiot heart

delorean - real love

animal collective - what would i want? sky

bloodgroup - my arms

hot chip - take it in

twin sister - all around and away we go (teen daze remix)

caribou - sandy

seabear - wolfboy

surfer blood - harmonix

lcd soundsystem - i can change

brian eno - this

i wish i was at primavera sound right now wathcing the pixies and yeasayer!! going to try and jump the fence tomorrow so hopefully an evil spanish police officer wont taser me...

may day

2010-05-01T05:34:00.005-07:00

rainbow love

2010-04-30T15:46:00.000-07:00

zonza and raffa are the rainbow warriors. these boys have more cosmic energy together than any other two people that i know. i met them my first night in barcelona, june 28th 2009, while they provided the groovy tunes and doo wop melodies to one of the best nights i've had in years. hidden behind their long dark sardinian curls they decorate their dj stand with toys and tools of all kinds from the infamous ET (once stolen and graciously returned) to zoos of miniature animals, vines of flowers, sirens, plastic glasses, and more. zonza even keeps a full body skeleton suit hanging in his room for those crucial 'need a full body spandex skeleton suit' moments. (you know those moments exist...)

in august before i really knew them i was lucky enough to live in the same apartment with them for a week. one night before they played at plastico bar i witnessed their magic in the comfort of their own dining room. they had cooked themselves a hearty italian pasta dinner and armed with a fresh baguette and cold beer they sat and discussed their inspirations for the music for the night ahead of them with such concentration they could have been rocket scientists. together their creative force is mighty inspirational.

now raffa is galavanting around london with his perfect little swedish ginger girlfriend frida (come back!!) while zonza is still here providing us with his magical music selections at various locations around the barcelona night scene.

for a taste of what they do, download the following mix courtesy of raffa himself.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=66EVA4PJ

sky scrapings & sus rizos magnificos

2010-04-11T03:42:00.000-07:00

found

2010-03-24T14:56:00.000-07:00

estoy esperando el veranoooo

neuvo york

2010-02-11T01:55:00.000-08:00

i am unprepared and nervous sitting at the barcelona airport waiting for my flight to new york city that is already two hours delayed due to the massive snow storm in waiting for me across the ocean. it was sunny at the beach yesterday and in nine hours i will be walking through dirty slushy snow with wet socks from the holes in my boots. believe me, this is me trying to be optimistic. its not easy when leaving beautiful barcelona to new york during the worst time of the year for five weeks. i know i know! new york is pretty, even in the snow. even in the dirty black mess of what used to be snow? well, the job i am working while there will give me the much needed money to survive my life in spain and a lot of really good experience. these are good things!!... as long as i can stay warm and not have a panic attack from weeks of crashing on couches, soggy socks, long days at work, and annoying fashion week people.

in the wise advice of my short friend mischa,

"dont forget to come home!!"

and i wont.

las cosas

2010-02-05T09:36:00.000-08:00

less than or equal to

2010-01-21T13:55:00.000-08:00

im back in paris and i know why i left it

the metro; no one is smiling and certainly no one is making eye contact, god forbid.

except for the crazy man in the corner yelling about the president and his missus

as he sniffs the pair of black cotton panties he carefully unfolds from inside his coat pocket,

with a large gap in his front teeth he seems like the happiest man on this train.

and then there's the army of fashionistas standing in line to buy their cigarettes

they are like vultures

in their avant-garde groundbreakingly original garments in shades of... black.

you are all just common people so sit the fuck down.

its cold here, and i dont want to pay four euros for an unexceptional cafe creme

nor do i want to pay eighteen euros for your average steak frites

i should stop there, so ill stop there. fucking parisians.

i love you paris but you're bringing me down!

or is it barcelona that has ruined me for the better?

lurve it

2010-01-16T12:40:00.000-08:00

alien-esque

2010-01-12T17:11:00.000-08:00

weridddd.

i dont know how to make them bigger. if you know, tell me.

la vérité

2009-12-27T09:20:00.000-08:00

options

2009-12-23T09:27:00.001-08:00

i cant help but know and realize there is an easy way out.

i shouldn't torture myself by looking online and seeing

the thousands of jobs that are available back in new york,

that i could easily get with no worries about

legal papers and legit documentation

of who i am and where i belong.

i like my life here and i want to keep it that way

but 'shouldn't you be a little more realistic?' says my mother.

its just the december blues.

the end of a year and the start of a new one.

fire in your hand

2009-12-12T12:49:00.000-08:00

you lie there on your stomach asleep

in the golden morning sun.

your hand is awkwardly extended

from underneath you, like a twisted

branch from a desert tree.

a large fly, black like tar,

circles your open hand in contemplation.

it is as big as a coin and the insect and I examine each other

like we had met in a previous life.

the fly twists its legs back and forth

as if he were making fire in your hand or praying.

but why would a fly pray and to whom would it pray?

if i were that fly, I would dance

in the soft cushion of your palm.

finally, you feel the sensation of him

parading in your hand like a proud king,

and you close your fingers to a tight fist and turn.

july 31, 2009

this is my jam

2009-12-11T03:55:00.000-08:00

my morning jam with toast and a cafe con leche and maybe a cigarette

after if i'm feeling audacious

not so trivial

2009-12-10T12:50:00.000-08:00

two months of this madness has left a permanent mark on my sanity and on my ability to remember the specific details of things that happened more than two days ago. it feels incredibly good, really. my veins feel like they are pumping fast with fresh blood and oxygen. i am experiencing an overwhelming sense of freedom and happiness throughout all aspects of my life. at times, i feel like my cigarettes accompany me through the night as if they were my only true friend but i know, that they are not. the music is loud and my heart vibrates with the beat like a revving engine. nights are dark and never long enough but full of infinite opportunities and impulsive reactions. and when the world stops spinning, you sit with your friends on dirty yellow cushions from lost couches on the cold tile floor, and the night sky starts to trade its deep blue for the ombre affect of the rising sun. the next choice must be made quickly: to lie your head softly against your waiting pillow or to go dance and embrace the new day coming?

if you could repeat one day from the last year, do you know which one it would be?

i do.

i lived for my first two months here in a small room without a view without a window but with very good company in a broken bed with a what i would call a strong 'gravitational pull' towards the middle. not much natural light or fresh air but plenty of good nights and even better mornings. its december and the sun is still shining and a coat is optional and i'm still waiting on the first winter rains that i experienced so frequently in paris, but i'll survive if i don't see them.

now, i have moved and am living in a very big apartment with low ceilings and a few friends that might be cockroaches but i have a closet big enough to hide in for the first time in maybe three years. it is cozy and there is fresh air and light from my balcony with antique wooden doors and i am not alone in my bed and there are pictures of all of you stuck to my wall in the most disorderly fashion.

the reason why!

2009-11-25T14:44:00.000-08:00

pretty much sums up the reason why i packed my bags in paris

and set up shop in bartthhelona

shirtless and frolicky

2009-11-23T12:39:00.001-08:00

recreating this moment is on my list of things to do.

i guess i have to wait until the summer?

either way. we all need to be naked more often.

seriously though, what's more exhilarating than

being wild and free and totally in the buff?

if you havent already you oughta do your research

on photographer ryan mcginley.

a certain somebody has promised to take me camping

and i am still still waiting waiting and

its already getting too cold outside...

i remember when i was a child,

my brothers and i set up a tent in the backyard

of my house and we all slept out there

and listened as the howling coyotes sang us to sleep,

and in the morning my mom unzipped the tent

holding three mugs of hot chocolate and a plate

full of peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

ahhhh thoseeeeeee were the days...

the middle part

2009-11-22T12:12:00.000-08:00

we have lost the way

2009-10-26T07:23:00.000-07:00

charlie chaplin in the great dictator (1940)

foolproof lover

2009-10-26T06:33:00.001-07:00

lovely... from lungful.com

barcelona fall

2009-10-22T08:20:00.000-07:00

the rain followed me from paris to barcelona but i am so happy i almost didn't notice the torrential downpour until my precious rainbow umbrella blew inside out by the strong gusts of the barcelona wind!! all my shoes have holes in them and all my socks are wet but i am wearing a big smile on my face so you'd never even know it! the bronzed golden tone that had occupied everyone's skin like a blanket this summer has faded and it is now clearly visible that the barcelona summer is really over. which is interesting to me, because my love affair with barcelona started at the high-point of summer at the end of june. so many things happened to me that first time in barcelona, and i was so sad to think after my tan from that week faded away, that the friendships, feelings, and memories i experienced would fade away with it. yet, i guess i took matters into my own hands and didn't let that happen, i came back a month later, before my tan had time to escape. i let the sun camp out on my body in my white bikini and stayed for three weeks, sleeping under the sun, next to the sea, on rooftops and in yellow rooms and it was those three weeks that made me realize i needed to pack up my paris life and bring it here. and i did. so the fact that summer is over and i actually made it here is exciting; and to see what the next seasons can offer to me here as i start my new life in spain is even more exhilarating. so i am watching the leaves dance and play from the balcony and they are turning orange like a burning flame and when the golden sun shines through them i fear they might combust like a distant star.

room 3, alicante, spain

the taste of salt

2009-10-17T06:44:00.000-07:00

against the walls

against your rules

against your skin

all things are delicately interconnected

2009-10-13T02:23:00.000-07:00

curry for dinner on a high-turbulence flight on september 23rd with airindia.

twenty, boulevard de menilmontant, paris france 75020.

paris fashion week; cashmere in my eyelashes and a new best friend.

sushi and splifs chez laetitia.

fancy nights at mama shelter with gabriel.

high kicks, djallebas, mushroom tea and unusual costumes on halloween.

new friends: tim lauren zela liisi andrew ryan emily

dizzy cab rides to an experimental cocktail club.

the election party for barack obama, the smiles, the tears.

being chased in montmartre with emily by the homeless helicopter man.

'put yo dick away'

crawling under paris in the catacombs to dance and sing with water up to our knees.

a snowy brunch with bloody marys and darker hair.

pornagraphic lighters and beer at stollys.

sixteen rue de reuilly, paris france 75012.

no heat, wooden bed, and a crazy landlord.

sunday smiles on rue charlot.

a christmas tree and two goldfish named maki and miso.

jekyll and hyde dresses and top hats.

the near death experience in the stairwell.

almost convinced, the difficult choice... but the right one.

thirty hour christmas lock-in:

homemade fireplace, the blue blue bathroom, vegetarian stuffing.

plastic instrument band on christmas eve in the metro.

peanut butter, foggy windows, hot coffee, hair cuts, arts and crafts.

the stolen robot.

the dance party to welcome 2009.

last minute decision: merrekech, morroco.

cheap leather, endless fresh mint sweet tea, a used packet of rolling papers.

road trip to essaouira, morocco.

a freezing night in a hotel next to the sea.

grilled goat head, amazing fried fish, missed flights.

late to french class, many attempts at the prefecture for the carte de sejour.

infinite bottles of red wine... in apartments, in parks, in metros, in streets.

mistakes at the chacha club.

roadtrip to amsterdam, cole and janet.

the impossible hunt for a halfway decent hotel room.

giving up and getting lost, finding ourselves at a coffee shop.

staying at the coffee shop.

a very paranoid drive home.

football: france vs lithuania, psg games, stands on fire.

mushroom omelette with andrew, the holy mountain by alejandro jodorowsky.

the first spring day, the first bottle of rose.

french classes over, david in paris.

best show ever, dan deacon at la villette sonique.

krinking everything everywhere.

berlin, germany with andrew and david in a big white apartment

high kicks with german boots and german roots

dancing with an indian man at fete de la musique

barcelona with camilla

plastico//apollo//ronda sant pau 1

magic green sungless

magic toothpicks

magic magic magic

an orange boat in cadaques, innocent conversations.

falling in love with barcelona.

all the received postcards and all the sent.

mischa and camilla in paris.

one hundred and two rue saint-maur, paris france 75011.

sophie's wedding, the blue dress and endless champagne.

finally animal collective live at la cigale with zela.

lonely and broke in paris.

back to barcelona.

rooftops, cheap beers, smiles, beaches, lighter hair and darker skin.

three weeks later: back to paris.

new york: lake george wedding, brooklyn, a skinned knee, five am dinner with anna

los angeles: los feliz, west hollywood, venice, the alcove, a big fire and a bucket of tears

tucson: surprises, la famille, kyle craft and rhonda el murib, laughing with abby, bloody sunsets

a long flight back to paris

twenty third birthday, back to barcelona with zela and erin

thirty bars in three days, a pirate, a room without a view, the flood, a decision.

one way ticket to barcelona october fifteenth....

there is so so so much more.

the tent

2009-09-27T18:48:00.000-07:00

someone please tell me where i can buy this exact tent. NEED IT.

i especially love the plastic windows on the side. essential.

wicked beautiful

2009-09-27T17:37:00.000-07:00

LOOOOOVE IT.

photographer tim walker for harpers bazaar

dance with me

2009-09-17T15:28:00.000-07:00

this video is perfection!

so, won't you

dance with me

while im in barcelona

this weekend

celebrating

the 23rd year

of this beautiful life...!?

ashes to ashes

2009-09-17T11:49:00.000-07:00

ok ok, i knowww i am planning to move to barcelona (for those of you who dont know yet..... well, i am planning on moving to barcelona) and i know that i am already a little nervous for how my big city new yorker slash parisian wardrobe will work over there (however, i think ill be fine.... ill find myself some hipsters) and for how the hell i will pack up my life again, but this time into just two suitcases (and even that is too much).. Am i allowed one last last last parisian splurge for these hot hot boots by ASH so i can run around in style during fashion week and my last days in paris?? aye caramba i don't a word of speak spanish but yo queiro estos zapatos.

gee, i sure use a lot of parentheses and run on sentences

le film - j'ai tué ma mère

2009-09-16T08:25:00.001-07:00

"J'ai Tué Ma Mère" (I've Killed My Mother) is one of the most amazing and beautiful films i have seen in a very long time. It's a french-canadian film from Quebec about an gay teenage boy and his relationship with his mother. The acting by seventeen year old Xavier Dolan is seriously seriously impeccable, and what is even more astounding is the fact that he wrote the autobiographical story when he was sixteen years old, drafted a rough version of the script in three days at seventeen, directed and filmed the movie without a storyboard at eighteen, and was at the Cannes film festival receiving an eight minute standing ovation at nineteen. Everything was just so exact, the freaking perfect music, the costumes, the dialogue, there are too many specific scenes that i just can't get out of my head... and after seeing the movie I stayed up until 4am watching interviews with Xavier Dolan wanting to get inside this (gorgeous) twenty year old's head. He asked all his friends and family to invest and donate money for the film and started with 25,000, then a production house finally saw the potential and invested in the movie, and the whole thing was made for around 350,000 canadian dollars. As i am about to turn 23 it makes me feel like i really better start doing something amazing with my life asap...!

Here is the trailer for the film (which i have seriously watched 15 times) and it's in french, so if you don't speak french it will be hard to understand anything, but watch it anyway because you can still suck all the beauty and emotion out of just the trailer and hopefully soon they will translate it and release it in the United States so everyone witness the splendor of this film!!!

pick two

2009-09-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

maybe i should work on being more loveable and/or interesting?

decide like a warrior

2009-09-13T05:43:00.000-07:00

just when you think you are ready to leave a place, a state of mind, a town, a country, a friend, a lover, that thing that you were going to leave changes, right before your eyes, and it reminds of you all its beauty and all its simplicity and all its ridiculous reasons that made it into the thing you loved and then you still have to decide! it happens on purpose, to make you absolutely sure. am i sure??

on another note, not quite so different, my hair has decided, on its own, completely independent of myself (its owner?) and without asking questions or permissions to anyone (yes, hair can ask its questions)... to turn inself into something else than what i was planning for it to be. and i start to feel guilty that for so long i was deciding for it, what color it should be and how long it should grow, without wondering how it wanted to be, when left alone to fend for itself, (yes, my hair, kind of like an abandoned tiger cub) and i finally found out! the dark ink-stained ends of my hair were like the old roots of a tree and it was time for them to be freed of their weight and freed of their aging souls! i shall give them what they want, i will let the sun bleach them if thats the destiny the sun sees in their future! and i will cut them all off to give them the fresh start they've been beggin' for! (and if it's not, then they will grow back wild and free, like me!)

well its just that sometimes i think that i am bigger than the sound

i might need to invest in a pair of vampire teeth.

i almost forgot

2009-09-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

i consider barcelona to be a liberating force.

johnny&melinda

2009-07-26T02:59:00.000-07:00

this short film produced by Yves Saint Laurent directed

by Samuel Benchetrit, starring his 11 year-old son Jules

is so damn beautiful and brilliant, watch it.

ooohhhhlala, gosh i want that hat and that hair.

july has been a really tough month here...

i am ready for the next to weeks to lift my spirits a bit

and hopfully to laugh hard and laugh often!

reminding myself

2009-07-21T15:37:00.000-07:00

in my mind

2009-07-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

photos by neil krug

skin and bones

2009-07-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

let us disappear and speak wild songs

2009-07-07T15:17:00.000-07:00

The Junkman's Obbligato by Lawrence Frelinghetti:
Let’s go
Come on
Let’s go
Empty our pockets
And disappear.
Missing all our appointments
And turning up unshaven
Years later
Old cigarette papers
stuck to our pants
leaves in our hair.
Let us not
worry about the payments
anymore.
Let them come
and take it away
whatever it was
we were paying for.
And us with it.
Let us arise and go now
to where dogs do it
Over the Hill
where they keep the earthquakes
behind the city dumps
lost among gasmains and garbage.
Let us see the City Dumps
for what they are.
My country tears of thee.
Let us disappear
in automobile graveyards
and reappear years later
picking rags and newspapers
drying our drawers
on garbage fires
patches on our ass.
Do not bother
to say goodbye
to anyone.
Your missus will not miss us.
Let’s go
smelling of sterno
where the benches are filled
with discarded Bowling Green statues
in the interior dark night
of the flower bowery
our eyes watery
with the contemplation
of empty bottles of muscatel.
Let us recite from broken bibles
on streetcorners
Follow dogs on docks
Speak wild songs
Throw stones
Say anything
Blink at the sun and scratch
and stumble into silence
Diddle in doorways
Know whores thirdhand
after everyone else is finished
Stagger befuddled into East River sunsets
Sleep in phone booths
Puke in pawnshops
wailing for a winter overcoat.
Let us arise and go now
under the city
where ashcans roll
and reappear in putrid clothes
as the uncrowned underground kings
of subway men’s rooms.
Let us feed the pigeons
at the City Hall
urging them to do their duty
in the Mayor’s office.
Hurry up please it’s time.
The end is coming.
Flash floods
Disasters in the sun
Dogs unleashed
Sister in the street
her brassiere backwards.
Let us arise and go now
into the interior dark night
of the soul’s still bowery
and find ourselves anew
where subways stall and wait
under the River.
Cross over
into full puzzlement.
South Ferry will not run forever.
They are cutting out the Bay ferries
but it is still not too late
to get lost in Oakland.
Washington has not yet toppled
from his horse.
There is still time to goose him
and go
leaving our income tax form behind
and our waterproof wristwatch with it
staggering blind after alleycats
under Brooklyn’s Bridge
blown statues in baggy pants
our tincan cries and garbage voices
trailing.
Junk for sale!
Let’s cut it out let’s go
into the real interior of the country
where hockshops reign
mere unblind anarchy upon us.
The end is here
but golf goes on at Burning Tree.
It’s raining it’s pouring
The Ole Man is snoring.
Another flood is coming
though not the kind you think.
There is still time to sink
and think.
I wish to descend in society.
I wish to make like free.
Swing low sweet chariot.
Let us not wait for the cadillacs
to carry us triumphant
into the interior
waving at the natives
like roman senators in the provinces
wearing poet’s laurels
on lighted brows.
Let us not wait for the write-up
on page one
of the New York Times Book review
images of insane success
smiling from the photo.
By the time they print your picture
in Life Magazine
you will have become a negative anyway
a print with a glossy finish.
They will have come and gotten you
to be famous
and you still will not be free.
Goodbye I’m going.
I’m selling everything
and giving away the rest
to the Good Will Industries.
It will be dark out there
with the Salvation Army Band.
And the mind its own illumination.
Goodbye I’m walking out on the whole scene.
Close down the joint.
The system is all loused up.
Rome was never like this.
I’m tired of waiting for Godot.
I am going where turtles win
I am going
where conmen puke and die
Down the sad esplanades
of the official world.
Junk for sale!
My country tears of thee.
Let us go then you and I
leaving our neckties behind on lampposts
Take up the full beard
of walking anarchy
looking like Walt Whitman
a homemade bomb in the pocket.
I wish to descend in the social scale.
High society is low society.
I am a social climber
climbing downward
And the descent is difficult.
The Upper Middle Class Ideal
is for the birds
but the birds have no use for it
having their own kind of pecking order
based upon birdsong.
Pigeons on the grass alas.
Let us arise and go now
to the Isle of Manisfree.
Let loose the hogs of peace.
Hurry up please it’s time.
Let us arise and go now
into the interior
of Foster’s Cafeteria.
So long Emily Post.
So long
Lowell Thomas.
Goodbye Broadway.
Goodbye Herald Square.
Turn it off.
Confound the system.
Cancel our leases.
Lose the War
without killing anybody.
Let horses scream
and ladies run
to flushless powderrooms.
The end has just begun.
I want to announce it.
Run don’t walk
to the nearest exit.
The real earthquake is coming.
I can feel the building shake.
I am the refined type.
I cannot stand it.
I am going
where asses lie down
with customs collectors who call themselves
literary critics.
My tool is dusty.
My body is hung up too long
in strange suspenders.
Get me a bright bandana
for a jockstrap.
Turn loose and we’ll be off
where sports cars collapse
and the world begins again.
Hurry up please it’s time.
It’s time and a half
and there’s the rub.
The thinkpad makes homeboys of us all.
Let us cut out
into stray eternity.
Somewhere the fields are full of larks.
Somewhere the land is swinging.
My country ‘tis of thee
I’m singing.
Let us arise and go now
to the Isle of Manisfree
and live the true blue simple life
of wisdom and wonderment
where all things grow
straight up
aslant and singing
in the yellow sun
poppies out of cowpods
thinking angels out of turds.
I must arise and go now
to the Isle of Manisfree
way up behind the broken words
and woods of Arcady.

berlin

2009-06-13T05:27:00.000-07:00

my brother was in paris and we went to berlin together with my friend andrew and here are the amazing pictures he took documenting the whole week. love all the photos... especially the last ones that are in paris where i am wearing my boyfriend's mother's vintage leopard coat that i am just beyond obsessed with. beyond obsessed. need it. gahh. now. why wont they enlarge with a click?

this picture of the three of us is one of my favorite favorites.

oooh, and this one.

photo credit: david auerbach

i can read this 1000 times and still love it...

We smile at each other

and I lean back against the wicker couch.

How does it feel to be dead? I say.

You touch my knees with your blue fingers.

And when you open your mouth,

a ball of yellow light falls to the floor

and burns a hole through it.

Don't tell me, I say. I don't want to hear.

Did you ever, you start,

wear a certain kind of dress

and just by accident,

so inconsequential you barely notice it,

your fingers graze that dress

and you hear the sound of a knife cutting paper,

you see it too

and you realize how that image

is simply the extension of another image,

that your own life

is a chain of words

that one day will snap.

Words, you say, young girls in a circle, holding hands,

and beginning to rise heavenward

in their confirmation dresses,

like white helium balloons,

the wreathes of flowers on their heads spinning,

and above all that,

that's where I'm floating,

and that's what it's like

only ten times clearer,

ten times more horrible.

Could anyone alive survive it?

-Ai

litter in san francisco

2009-05-27T13:15:00.000-07:00

i just discovered some seriously bad ass shit straight out of san francisco. two girls, mackenzie and rachael have created this jewelry line called Litter. and this is what i call some innovative bling. I saw some of their work on FashionToast a couple months ago, but never knew who designed the genius piece that Rumi was rocking in the form of shoe jewelry. So far, they still make everything themselves and by hand but they are getting so much great press that they are going to have a workload ahead of them, there is already at least a month's wait on some pieces. They do everything from silver chain suspenders (or did anyways, sold out.) to sexy gunmetal shoe harnesses, stunning detail-orientated headbands and check out the sterling silver finger claws here.

i basically just read their blog from start to finish and i fell almost as much in love with these girls and their awesome style as i did with their jewelry. i cannot be sure because there was no caption, but these pictures were on their blog about some crazy night in san francisco where they decided to take their clothes of in the streets and get chained up. their documentation of a fun night out on the town is like, editorial material... and i love it. check out the jewelry after the jump.

+++++++++

i am not really sure what to write as a comment to the four pieces of art down below. (no pun intended)

ha!! dont lie, you know its discustingly amazing.

source: www.littermb.com

this is what i'm waiting for

2009-05-17T05:53:00.000-07:00

there are numerous stores out there that do the copy cat chic styles of the runway on an affordable budget that us normal people can afford, but out of all those store... h&m, forever21, new look, mango, etc... i think most poeple are in agreement when i say that topshop is well, the top. the cream of the crop. the best thing since sliced bread. cool as a cucumber. a feast for the eyes. ok. ill stop. anyways my point actually has nothing to do with topshop and its amazingness, the point i want to make has to do with h&m. so, the matthew williamson collection was realised in france may 14th. meaning that store i saw on rue de rivoli two weeks ago, fully stocked with the williamson collection was.... a fluke? i was excited that i would have another chance. buuut, talk about a letdown. the collection was wayyy to ibiza neon 80's themed for me. ouch, harsh. anyways. i happen to be doing some research online, and found THIS fall 2009 collection making its way to the h&m empire.... and wowzas, studs! leathah! shoulders! layers! a color palette i can actually wear! i cannot wait for this. its almost, ahemm, topshop-esque?

another fall 2009 collection im slightly obsessing over is wildfox couture. i am not necessarily one for graphic tees unless they are 20 years old and feature the rolling stones, or something understated and supahh artsy (ha!)... but this fall lookbook made me want to have a sleepover with friends, dress up and drink champagne and have these photos to rememer it all. i like vampires. i like red lipstick. i like fun. i like everything about this lookbook and im just going to go for it and say that it might be my favorite lookbook shoots i've ever come across.

refinery29.com, wildfoxcouture.com

wednesday

2009-05-13T06:18:00.000-07:00

i'm going to berlin, germany for 3 days at the beginning on june. quick, cheap trip with my brother while he is in paris. excited! i think the two places that i MUST go to this summer is spain and london. i'm kinda skipping out on italy for now. and greece is a must with the boy if that is at all possible before he goes back to the states given both of our money situations.

i just bought about 5 new pairs of tights. excited because they were cheap and can so easily modify and add a lot to a simple outfit.

amazingly adorable little black heart panyhose, they are here.
opaque tights with one black leg and one cream leg, thank you american apparel.
i dont know how these will look on, but im willing to give the somewhat chanel-like knockoffs a chance.
ok, here is where i might have been crazy. the word gothic is written in the description but i went with them anyway! i saw a little bit of the infamous rodarte tights in them somewhere... and i dont own a pair of fishnets so maybe this will be the closest i ever come to owning a pair.
simple lace leggings via urban outfitters again.

my first attempt at shreading a tshirt didnt come out so well. so many holes, and it was quite uneven and well, just not as unbelievable awesome as the one Cocorosa has. not as easy as it looks in the tutorial, definatly need to give it another try.

here's some pretty pictures to stare at:

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fate&chance

2009-05-12T04:06:00.000-07:00

holy moly the weather this week has been sooo dreadful. my boyfriend leaves to LA for 10 days on friday and ughh i am so jel. i could really go for a dose of america... maybe just a week, or a weekend! i would be able to watch lost at its orgininal time and be as wonderfully confused as the rest of all of america at the very same time!
speaking of lost, i was thinking that after paris i would maybe try living somewhere non-metropolitan and surrounded with beaches. basically just learn to surf and get that olive skintone that i used to have when i was growing up in arizona. at the same time, i completely thrive after the big city lifestyle... whether it was the fast walkin, fast talkin, dirty grimey streets of brooklyn and new york city... or the romantic haussmann buildings, the stinking homeless men, the cigarette covered streets and grey skies of paris... after living in new york city and paris, a girl has got to wonder, what's next?
of course getting my degree needs to happen sooner rather than later... and for that im thinking the easiest thing would be to go back to the states... to either los angeles or back to brooklyn. although, over the past couple years i have come to the conclusion that cold winters are not for me. winter sucks the life and soul out of a person who grew up in the sun, and also, i absouletly deteste wearing coats and all those horrible bulky winter layers. this is why la seems like a logical new destination for me to save up some money and finish school... yet i am still not sold on it. there are so many places to go and things to see, how can i decide! i have somewhat been putting off going to london, because i am postitive i will looove it, and it seems like a medium between the states and europe (enter: the language barrier).
i guess at this point the only thing i can do is travel as much and as cheaply as possibly around europe while im here, seeking new opportunities and new adventures and finding potential cities to make a new home in. i guess if i just live each day by day that things will work themselves out and i will find the destination i am searching for...

les inspirations

2009-05-10T08:53:00.000-07:00

shit man, there are so many beautiful editorials out there.

beautiful models, beautiful clothes, beautiful photographs... sighhh

so i finally joined chictopia.com. maybe someone might read my blog now?

maybe not.

hmph!!

love.

flowers and bathtubs... these are a few of my favorite things...

this outfit might be one of my all time favorite looks.

currently seeking: sequin blazer. preferably matte gold.

qui n'aime pas la vintage kate moss? ah, la innocence...

currently searching super big pyramid studs comme ca.

one of my favorite picsk from the cfda gala... go figure

one of my go-to looks, glasses and rouge a levres

DIY to do list

2009-05-08T15:23:00.000-07:00

i'm gunna go to the fabric store and buy some stuff and try making some shit.

ive watched the tutorial, ive seen the awesome outcome. i will attempt to shread a tshirt this week.
bought that shrunken jean jacket and its cute, but it wont compare with after i stud the shit out of that thing with the biggest brass pyramid studs i can get my hands on.
lots of jersey material, maybe in an army/olive green?... lots of strips made into braids for chunky necklace wonderfullness. maybeee something like this?
getting some rad fringe and making some boring shirt pretty again.
give up my virginity to tie-dying. ive never dyi-ed and im gunna do it like ill never do it again. rawwwrrr.

got my holga all loaded up with film (thanks dad!!) cant wait to snap away in the sunlight.

wouldashouldacoulda

2009-05-08T15:03:00.001-07:00

soo, my dad was in paris and the first day he arrived we were in such a time crunch before he had some meeting but he insisted we stop into h&m so he could pick up a cheap scarf to keep him warm. i obviously hadn't been doing my research because that day happened to be the release day of the matthew williamson for h&m collection... and the store was shockingly empty. i've been a fan of matthew williamson's ethnic and whimsical prints for quite a while now, but obviously wasn't aware he had a collection coming out i could actually (maybe) afford. so basically my point is that the collection was pretty awesome. the bad news? is that i had to leave without really giving anything more than a second glance to an electric green embroidered silk tunic and colorful chiffon maxi dress, and SOMEHOW forgot to go back immediately after my dad finished his meeting that was apparently more important than me scoring some amazing duds via williamson. thinking back i thought it was better that i didnt spend the money i didnt have in the first place... however, i was harshly reminded of this error while i was browsing ebay one late night and stumbled upon some listings for the williamson h&m collection that were listed, AND selling for more than quadruple what they were being sold for in stores!!! i quickly realized what i thought might be an sliiiight debt-inducing purchase could have easily turned into a profit making miracle. lesson learned. so heres the reminder of all that could have been:

also, today i pretty much read the blog by HANNELI MUSTAPARTA from

start to finish, and am officially obsessed with her and all her

gorgeousness. no but seriously, those cheek bones?

love love love her and her closet and her brain.

camilla and marc

2009-05-05T03:40:00.000-07:00

so im obsessed with this australian design brother and sister duo camilla and marc. the golds, the pale rose, and that moonlight silver! i think this one below is the perfect summer dress paired with a cropped jean jacket. will start the quest for a less expensive lookalike for my cousin's wedding in august at lake george.

p.s. speaking of australian beauties, where the hell is gemma ward these days? i loved that alien faced doll. come back to us, gemma! wow, thank you google, she'll be back this year after taking a year off to travel and hang with friends. ugh, jel.

musique

2009-04-27T07:17:00.000-07:00

i love this.

i like this too, i want to make one. seems easy.

the tunes in my head right now for the beginning of spring:

pete doherty - last of the english roses

iglu & harty - in this city

department of eagles - teenagers

the blow - true affection

blitzen trapper - furr

animal collective - summertime clothes

sufjan stevens- you are the blood (part 1 & part 2, see below)

m83 - graveyard girl

janis joplin - me and bobby mcbee

bon iver - for emma

chairlift - bruises

the delta spirit - trashcan

lykke li - im good im gone

trolle//siebenhaar - sweet dogs

darkwasthenight.com

#1

2009-04-27T07:08:00.001-07:00

so i spend so much of my time reading so many blogs and looking and so many pictures and its getting out of control so i thought maybe i should start my own something. even if no one ever visits this page it will give me some place to put my silly thoughts and pictures and i have a really bad memory so maybe writing my life down will help me remember things better.

i grew up in tucson arizona, lived in the same house my entire life. graduated high school and was set to follow the crowd and go to the university of arizona. a month before i graduated i woke up and realized what i would be doing to myself if i stayed in tucson for college. i then decided to peace out of tucson june 14th 2005 and moved to brooklyn, ny. after three and a half years in brooklyn, in the summer of 2008 i decided i needed a change of scene, so i decided to peace out of new york and delve into the parisian lifestyle and so i started to drink too much wine, smoke too many cigarettes, and speak not enough french. thats the story and im sticking to it. who knows what is next. my time is not over with paris but i need a slight need to return to obamaland and finish my degree, and los angeles just might be calling my name. well, it technically has been forever, since we have the same initials. on the other hand, the world is so big and full of options, i just need to discover the right one!

OPTIONS!!! SHOW YOURSELF TO ME!!!